Wednesday, 22 June 2011


I honestly can't make sense of us. What could possibly be the point of the universe bringing together two people with an extraordinary passion and love for each other, and for that passion and love to utterly captivate us, for us to know and say often that we're unbelievably lucky, for us to wish as we did so many times that we could give everyone what we had, and then test us to a point way beyond our limits?!

Why would life give us all that we had and then conspire to throw at us such a huge list of challenges and stresses, that we were almost destined to fail? As if living a 1000kms apart wasn't challenge enough, let me catalogue all of the others:
  • for months and months we commuted every two weeks or so and exhausted ourselves
  • eventually you moved here but your children needed you and your ex manipulated the situation, and did some truly awful things (I remember your face going white with distress one time, and how much I wished I could just fix everything)
  • you started a job here that proved to be incredibly dangerous, finally quit and  then couldn't find work for such a long time, a total blow to your sense of pride. I know you questioned your decision to come here.
  • you had to move back home to protect the kids and we had to commute once more
  • you got extremely sick, out of the blue, and stayed that way for 5 months, making it impossible to even look for work
  • sometimes you came to see me even when you were way too sick to travel
  • all through all of this, I was working 100+ hours a week on an incredibly demanding project, commuting to be with you whenever I could, overwhelmingly exhausted, under extreme work pressure,  truly deeply stressed for probably the first time in my life, worried to bits about you, the kids and us, wanting so desperately to fix everything for you, wondering how we were going to turn everything around, probably way too needy, definitely snappy, starting to doubt you, starting to doubt us. The absolute worst version of me.

So why? Why why why would life show us heaven and then dump us into hell??!!  There's cruelty in that that I just can't fathom.

There's a nagging voice in the back of my mind reminding me that our thoughts create our reality. I don't want to face that right now, I really don't.

There's another nagging voice asking me if maybe right now I'm just not courageous enough to let myself be happy again. If letting go of my sadness means truly letting go of you. I don't want to let go of you, not now, not ever.

You are the love of my life.

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