Friday, 27 January 2012

the male heart

Strong, protective, fierce, loving, tender. I've only ever known one man who had the heart of a lion but who lived and loved with just the right blend of strength, gentleness and calmness. Being with that kind of man brings out the best in me as a woman - my softness, femininity, sexiness, and spirit. I love it when I'm in awe of a man.

Friday, 20 January 2012

the letter I'll never send you

You know that phrase "I love you so much that it hurts"? It's so, so true. Still today, every day, I carry my broken heart around with me, and it aches for you - sometimes a dull, relentless ache, sometimes a sharp, breathtaking stab. But the hurt, the pain, is most definitely physical. I take deep, slow breaths, wipe the tears from my eyes, and I go on.

I'm still waiting for you. It's some kind of insanity inside of me that is either astonishingly wise or simply too delusional to let go. There's such a big part of me that simply doesn't buy it. I don't buy it that you stopped loving me. That you want a life without me. That you've let me, us, go. I think your life fell apart around you, you lost your strength and your self-belief, and you either blame me (and haven't yet forgiven me) or you don't think you can bring the best of you to a relationship with me. Or maybe it's both of those things. And I think you want time, a lot of time. So much time that you would never dream of asking me to wait. And yet I'm waiting anyway. I have not a clue why, but everything in me tells me you need three years  (just one year, ten months to go!). That's one hell of a delusion, probably.

On the other hand ... I have felt such anguish and such distress over the notion that you don't love me, that you feel nothing for me at all, or worse still that you hate me. I've considered and accepted the likelihood that you don't look back, you never will, and you'll certainly never turn back. I've imagined that you believe I'm bad for you, bad for your family, a toxic influence and entirely at fault for everything that went wrong in your life while we were together. I turn over and over in my mind that for you it's over forever.

And so, as you can see, I'm torn. My mind and my heart bounce between these two beliefs and they lurch through hope, pain, resignation, fear, distress, guilt and more.

And as I write this I understand, once again, that none of this matters. That my only choice is to go on and to let go. I might never know which of the above is true. I'll probably never know. And I have this life to live still, as empty and as meaningless as it seems. A small flame burns inside me, almost extinguished but not quite, telling me there is life after you.  Honestly, I hope so.

Monday, 16 January 2012


three years be enough time to wait for you? It feels right. I have no idea why, but it's felt right for about the past year. I'm one year and two months in ...

Sunday, 15 January 2012


I don't know why I love you so much, and so enduringly. It baffles me. Your total disregard for me has been cruel, and I'm smart enough to know this love I feel is a one-way street. And yet it persists.

The worst part is, I can't help wondering (ceaselessly) if you've shut me out because you're hurting, or because the end of our relationship hurt too much and you don't want to go through it again. Wishful thinking on my part, of course.

Saturday, 14 January 2012

the thing is

I just don't want to be in anyone else's arms. I've thought about it a lot. Put myself out there (as one must these days). But honestly, I can't bear the thought of anyone else touching me. The irony, right? You always wanted more certainty that I was yours and yours only. I was then, and more than a year later my love, I still am.

Yours, and yours only.

Monday, 9 January 2012

on my way

back to reality, and less distractions from this broken heart of mine. God, it just feels like the pain and sadness and shock and confusion and guilt is never going to end. I wish you'd had it in your heart to just meet me a little bit closer towards the middle - it would have saved me so, so much of this heartache. Maybe it would have cost you too much, though.

Thursday, 5 January 2012


How do you let someone go when you love them as much as I love you? A once in a lifetime kind of love.

I don't know what else I can possibly try. I've worked myself to the bone. I've bought and built houses. I've travelled interstate and overseas. I've moved house, started a new life, met new people and even tried dating sites to try opening my heart up again. It's all just 'stuff'. Every single day I cry, my heart aches, my heart's broken. I'm so, so sad and I worry about you so, so much.

I just want something to give.

too much ...

... grief, still.

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

my dream

Just the other night I had a vivid dream about you. We were talking and at some point you said "you'll never win me back".

And my heart broke all over again.

I'm not trying to win you back, I'm trying to move on, but I still love you and I still hope. I hope so very much.

And now I'm wondering, was it my sub-conscious telling me something my conscious mind doesn't want to face? Did you astral travel to deliver a message loud and clear, in the hope that I would finally get it? (Don't laugh, why can't astral travel be possible, in this crazy world?!). Was it just random and I'm applying meaning to it that isn't there?

Anyway, heartbreaking :(