Saturday, 18 June 2011

facing it

A new, kind, smart friend let me chew his ear off about this awful struggle I've been having, trying to let you go.

I asked him the question that's been burning in my mind for weeks. What can I do differently, to allow myself to move on?

He gave it some real, sincere thought and finally said to me that the extent of my grief seems intense, overwhelming and not really normal. And maybe, just maybe, depression is an issue.

And maybe he's right. It seems that it doesn't matter what I do, how much I look OK on the surface, I'm still utterly heartbroken and miserable underneath, and I can find myself with tears trickling down my face at unexpected, unguarded moments. It's exhausting, embarassing and it feels pathetic.

So maybe there is something deeper, physiological, chemical, going on as well. Maybe the shock and devastation of our break up altered some of my internal workings and that means it's harder than normal to bounce back.

Even just allowing myself to think this might be possible, as terribly uncomfortable as it is, kind of helps in some strange way. It's like I get to say to myself, "it's OK, you're really up against it, give yourself time and be gentle with your heart".

Let's see how I feel in the next few days ...

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