Monday, 31 December 2012


It's just a few hours from 2013. We broke up in 2010. I'm already in the third year of the three years I vowed to wait for you. I managed to NOT contact you on Christmas day. I'm fighting against ALL urges to contact you right now. I love you just as much as the day I first loved you - crazy huh?! Ten months and twenty one days until my time is up.

I wonder what it will take to feel whole again.

I wonder if I'll ever hear from you again.

I wonder if I'll ever love again.

I hope with all my heart that 2013 is a better year ... for both of us.

Happy New Year my love xxx

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

two years

Tomorrow it's two years since the day we broke up. Two years ago, I knew I'd wait three years for you. A year ago, I thought the hurt would never ease. A year later, it has eased just a little. Maybe in another year I'll feel whole again. Or maybe, if I'm truly blessed, you'll be holding me again.

Sunday, 28 October 2012

ever hopeful

I frequently imagine you coming back to me. Sometimes I really consciously think about it, hope for it, allow myself to desire it. Those times it comes true in my mind, I find myself looking into your eyes, tears in mine, asking you - can you love me like you used to? Can you let go of the past and the things that would make you hold back, be wary? Can you give all of yourself? I think being with you, with half the love we had, might be worse than not being with you at all. Maybe.

just a few weeks off two years

Tears. Sadness. Grief. Heartbreak.

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

forgetting to remember

Those who love you
are not fooled by
mistakes you have
made or dark images
you hold about yourself.
They remember ...
your beauty when
you feel ugly;
your wholeness when
you are broken;
your innocence when
you feel guilty;
and your purpose when
you are confused.

Alan Cohen

{you forgot to remember my love}

not a day goes by

still, that I don't think of you and miss you terribly. I still feel the same love, the same longing, the same regret.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

all this time

I've been looking for 'the' song that perfectly and completely captures my grief, and finally I've found it.

Don't You Remember

When will I see you again
You left with no goodbye
Not a single a word was said
No final kiss to seal any sins
I had no idea of the state we were in

I know I have a fickle heart
And a bitterness and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head

But don't you remember
Don't you remember
The reason you loved me before
Baby, please remember me once more

When was the last time
You thought of me
Oh have you completely erased me from your memory
I often think about where I went wrong
The more I do the less I knowI know I have a fickle heart
And a bitterness and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head

But don't you remember
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before
Baby, please remember me once more

Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,

Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before
Baby, please remember me once more

When will I see you again

Friday, 30 March 2012

A letter for the lonely this Valentine’s Day
Jack Marx

Tonight is the night when the lucky get to celebrate their fortune with the ones who make them fortunate. Valentine’s Day. Lover’s day. A day for the loved and a sad day for those who are not. Nobody ever mentions the unloved on this day, and they’re the very people who should be cared for the most. So I’m going to have a go.

So much of life in the 21st century is built on being loved – finding a partner, settling down, having children, making a home. Doing that makes you “successful” as a human being. By extension, not doing that makes you a “failure”. You have failed as a person. You are not loved, you are not important. You have nobody who wishes to witness your life. The heartbroken - the lonely, the loveless - are seen by society as pitiful. They are immature, wounded, insane, not complete. We insult them by telling them they “need help”.

It’s bullshit.

As the couples celebrate, we should remember there is nothing noble about being “in love”. There is some giving in a romantic relationship, for sure – some encouragement, some passion – but it is a greedy thing. You see someone, they turn you on, you want them. If it weren’t thus, there’d be no such thing as jealousy, or the gift of love being “voided” when one party “misbehaves”.

That’s not love, that’s a transaction more befitting to bankers and clients.

We build the ones we love into giants so huge we cannot escape them, forgetting there are no such things as giants. Take our enthusiasm for them away and they shrink into people again. They might be wonderful, but many human beings are wonderful. Nobody on this earth is really much bigger than anyone else.

Despite what Bryan Ferry might have tried to make us believe, love is not a drug. You can’t inject love into someone. You can’t bottle it or sell it. Love is not transferable. It is something within us.

Special people can inspire it – will it to come out – but they can’t create it. The love you feel for someone else is yours. It is a gift you give to the fortunate. Nobody can own your love but you. And they can never, ever take it away from you.

For the lonely today the truth is that their sadness is directly proportionate to the amount of love they have. Some people love hugely, and others love manageably. It is the former who suffer, and the latter who get by pretty well.

You can’t be heartbroken without love, and the more love there is the greater the heartbreak. It’s a simple mathematical fact. If there is a sensible, lovable person who thinks enormous love is ugly, I’m yet to meet them, and I hope I never do.

There are many people – perhaps most people – who don’t really know what superb love is. They feel longing and passion and attraction, they want a partner who’ll tick all their boxes, and they will find them as readily as one can find a dog that suits their garden.

You can see them on websites for “lovers” – they don’t want tattoos, they don’t want freckles, they don’t want people with certain proclivities. They see love as some kind of deal, when in truth love is magic. It happens in spite of everything. Unless you don’t believe.

Those with a special amount of love know that when their love is set forth it washes all those little things away. True love doesn’t care about colours or scars or accents or damages. And people who love truly can’t give their love so cheaply.

So they keep it, and it floods them. It ages and becomes like a poison. They would probably be happier if they devalued their love and gave it to their next-door neighbour. But they can’t do that. So they’re lonely, loveless, pitiful, immature, wounded, insane, not complete. What a dreadful lie perpetrated by bitches and bastards who wouldn’t know true love if it buggered them senseless.

There are many people tonight who will be spending their time really, truly in love. We should love them, too, for the wonderful feelings they share, which really do make the world gorgeous. There are others who are falling in love – do not know what their feelings mean, but have made way for them – and we should love and welcome them too. They are our future.

But there are many “lovers” tonight – with homes and children and cosy futures and all the spoils of love – who will never know love as massive, terrifying and beautiful as the love that the lonely feel. They are happy, because they are not particularly special people. It’s easy to be happy when you’re like that.

The lonely should not envy them. They should trust themselves tonight, on this night of love, and know that the love they have in them will one day be discovered by some of the luckiest people in this world.

Sunday, 18 March 2012

you have ...

... completely ruined me for any other man. Damn you for that. I'm trying with all of my heart to let you go and create a new life for myself. I've been on a number of dates, I've spent quite a bit of time getting to know one or two men, lovely men, but I just feel empty inside. Numb. Vacant. I don't know what else to do. I work hard, I have a busy life, I'm trying so hard to make a new life for myself and to live fully again. I have new friends, I socialise, I'm working on my house. I don't let myself think about you, I push you out of my mind whenever you jump in, which is less and less than it used to be. But god how I love you, and miss you, and long for you.

I think I could let you go if only I could move on and make a real life for myself. But it still seems so impossible.

I would give just about anything to feel your arms around me again. Damn you for cutting me off the way you did and leaving me so shell-shocked.

Friday, 10 February 2012


I still miss you and it still hurts so much. I push on and on with my life, doing all the things that make it seem normal, functional, even a little meaningful. But I'm empty inside, lost without you, broken-hearted.

Friday, 27 January 2012

the male heart

Strong, protective, fierce, loving, tender. I've only ever known one man who had the heart of a lion but who lived and loved with just the right blend of strength, gentleness and calmness. Being with that kind of man brings out the best in me as a woman - my softness, femininity, sexiness, and spirit. I love it when I'm in awe of a man.

Friday, 20 January 2012

the letter I'll never send you

You know that phrase "I love you so much that it hurts"? It's so, so true. Still today, every day, I carry my broken heart around with me, and it aches for you - sometimes a dull, relentless ache, sometimes a sharp, breathtaking stab. But the hurt, the pain, is most definitely physical. I take deep, slow breaths, wipe the tears from my eyes, and I go on.

I'm still waiting for you. It's some kind of insanity inside of me that is either astonishingly wise or simply too delusional to let go. There's such a big part of me that simply doesn't buy it. I don't buy it that you stopped loving me. That you want a life without me. That you've let me, us, go. I think your life fell apart around you, you lost your strength and your self-belief, and you either blame me (and haven't yet forgiven me) or you don't think you can bring the best of you to a relationship with me. Or maybe it's both of those things. And I think you want time, a lot of time. So much time that you would never dream of asking me to wait. And yet I'm waiting anyway. I have not a clue why, but everything in me tells me you need three years  (just one year, ten months to go!). That's one hell of a delusion, probably.

On the other hand ... I have felt such anguish and such distress over the notion that you don't love me, that you feel nothing for me at all, or worse still that you hate me. I've considered and accepted the likelihood that you don't look back, you never will, and you'll certainly never turn back. I've imagined that you believe I'm bad for you, bad for your family, a toxic influence and entirely at fault for everything that went wrong in your life while we were together. I turn over and over in my mind that for you it's over forever.

And so, as you can see, I'm torn. My mind and my heart bounce between these two beliefs and they lurch through hope, pain, resignation, fear, distress, guilt and more.

And as I write this I understand, once again, that none of this matters. That my only choice is to go on and to let go. I might never know which of the above is true. I'll probably never know. And I have this life to live still, as empty and as meaningless as it seems. A small flame burns inside me, almost extinguished but not quite, telling me there is life after you.  Honestly, I hope so.

Monday, 16 January 2012


three years be enough time to wait for you? It feels right. I have no idea why, but it's felt right for about the past year. I'm one year and two months in ...

Sunday, 15 January 2012


I don't know why I love you so much, and so enduringly. It baffles me. Your total disregard for me has been cruel, and I'm smart enough to know this love I feel is a one-way street. And yet it persists.

The worst part is, I can't help wondering (ceaselessly) if you've shut me out because you're hurting, or because the end of our relationship hurt too much and you don't want to go through it again. Wishful thinking on my part, of course.

Saturday, 14 January 2012

the thing is

I just don't want to be in anyone else's arms. I've thought about it a lot. Put myself out there (as one must these days). But honestly, I can't bear the thought of anyone else touching me. The irony, right? You always wanted more certainty that I was yours and yours only. I was then, and more than a year later my love, I still am.

Yours, and yours only.

Monday, 9 January 2012

on my way

back to reality, and less distractions from this broken heart of mine. God, it just feels like the pain and sadness and shock and confusion and guilt is never going to end. I wish you'd had it in your heart to just meet me a little bit closer towards the middle - it would have saved me so, so much of this heartache. Maybe it would have cost you too much, though.

Thursday, 5 January 2012


How do you let someone go when you love them as much as I love you? A once in a lifetime kind of love.

I don't know what else I can possibly try. I've worked myself to the bone. I've bought and built houses. I've travelled interstate and overseas. I've moved house, started a new life, met new people and even tried dating sites to try opening my heart up again. It's all just 'stuff'. Every single day I cry, my heart aches, my heart's broken. I'm so, so sad and I worry about you so, so much.

I just want something to give.

too much ...

... grief, still.

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

my dream

Just the other night I had a vivid dream about you. We were talking and at some point you said "you'll never win me back".

And my heart broke all over again.

I'm not trying to win you back, I'm trying to move on, but I still love you and I still hope. I hope so very much.

And now I'm wondering, was it my sub-conscious telling me something my conscious mind doesn't want to face? Did you astral travel to deliver a message loud and clear, in the hope that I would finally get it? (Don't laugh, why can't astral travel be possible, in this crazy world?!). Was it just random and I'm applying meaning to it that isn't there?

Anyway, heartbreaking :(