Too much pondering on the train. Pondering what my last post in 5 days is going to say. Imagining it might say that in spite of all the time, self-reflection, deliberate distractions, busyness, making of new friends and so on, I really have no desire to be in my life anymore. I don't have the urge to take my life. I just don't want to live it. I almost made a bargain with myself - give it a year, just another 5 months, and if I still feel this way, just do it. Just end it. Just leave this life behind and indulge in the sweet relief of nothingness. I didn't make the bargain with myself though, but it was damned tempting. My heart continues to feel like it's broken and scattered in a thousand pieces.