Saturday, 4 June 2011

what did you say?

I had tears in my eyes at dinner tonight. I was out with Mum and my stepdad, having dinner at a local club, and all I could think about was how much I miss you. If I see a man that even looks a tiny bit like you, walks like you, carries himself like you, looks at a woman the way you used to look at me, my eyes immediately well up.

As I sat there trying to hold myself together I wondered something I often wonder but usually try not to (it just hurts way too much). I wonder if you ever told the kids we broke up, or if you just let it slide. One day I was there (sort of) and then I wasn't for a while, and maybe enough time passed that nothing needed to be said. Or maybe you sat down with them and explained that things just didn't work out. Maybe you said it was all my fault and that you're all lucky I'm gone.

If you never spoke to them about it, I wonder if they ever spoke to you. Did they ever ask about me? Wonder what happened to me? Wonder if I was OK? Is there any part of them that misses me, even a little?

I can't understand why you cut off all contact with me. I try, and of course I'm learning to accept it even without understanding it, but I just can't make sense of it after everything we shared and all the love we had. And I honestly cannot fathom how you could shut me out completely and never let me say goodbye to the kids. Were you protecting them? Were you trying to hurt me? Did you just not care either way?

These things just eat away at me, every day (much like all of the other things).

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