Tuesday, 21 June 2011

seven months today

since we broke up. I don't know how I feel. I wish I could say I feel optimistic, content, hopeful, but I think at best I feel neutral. More an absence of feeling than anything particularly discernible.

For the first five months or so after we broke up I couldn't hold an image of you in my mind. Pictures would pop in but I had to push them out as quickly as they arrived. Anytime the images started to take hold the breath would be sucked right out of my lungs, tears would well up in my eyes and I'd lose the ability to concentrate or focus.

Tonight on the train, on the way home, there was an empty chair opposite me. Suddenly I saw you sitting in it. Jeans tight on your muscly thighs, deep, soulful eyes, tender smile, quiet, content. I remember so many moments like that. I remember looking at you and being overwhelmed with love and the feeling of being completely blessed. I know things went utterly pear-shaped between us but I've never forgotten who you are, how wonderful you are.

I wish you could remember the me that you loved so much once.

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