Thursday, 16 June 2011

unguarded moments

I was sitting on the bus this morning, quietly, on my way to work. Suddenly I felt tears welling up in my eyes, then gently falling down my cheeks. It's always in the quietest moments, when I have nothing to distract me, that I feel the loss of you so deeply and I feel at my most fragile.

Sometimes it seems that everything I do to fill up my life is just an attempt to run away from those quiet, dangerous moments.

My mind wandered to forgiveness and the realisation that believing someone blames you for their hardship, rightly or wrongly, is soul-destroying. I'd never understood that before, but I know now that if you love someone, if you believe you're a decent, kind, thoughtful person, and then you think the person you love sees you as something much darker, something awful, it will tear at your soul.

I'm desperate for you to forgive me for the things I've done, and the things I haven't done but you think I have, and the things I haven't done but should have. I'm desperate for you to reach out and ease just a little bit of my suffering. You probably can't begin to imagine the healing you could create by just saying "I know you never meant to hurt me, I know you're not a selfish person, I know we both made mistakes, I'm sorry for my mistakes and I forgive you for yours". I tell myself these things about me and about you all the time, but it's not the same. I haven't forgiven myself yet. To be honest, I wouldn't even know where to start.

In the back of my mind a little voice keeps saying "he thinks you're a horrible, selfish person, and maybe he's right".

Unguarded moments. No thanks.

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