Wednesday, 29 June 2011

emotionally and spiritually spent

Making sense of the world is fundamental to my ability to function. I need to understand things. I seek to put the puzzle pieces together, even if I don't like the final picture. It calms me, I can cope with most things if I can understand them. I don't understand this, us, and I think that's why I'm not really coping.

I'm functioning physically, soldiering on through my days, making things happen. Big things, significant things that would be indicators of wellbeing, contentment, success. Little things, because I must. But emotionally, spiritually, I'm completely spent.

I get that people have much, much worse problems than me. This is not even a problem. It's a challenge, a thing, undefineable. It just is. But it's my big deal and it's the biggest deal I've ever dealt with, because it's stripped me of every last piece of optimism - and optimism has always defined me. Belief in the world, me, the abundance of joy available to all of us. All that belief is gone. My faith in all of that has been tested and found wanting.

Make sense, or just deal. One of these things needs to happen. Please.

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