Wednesday, 9 November 2011

nice, but ...

When I was writing in my emails that it would be wonderful if you happened to contact me on my birthday, I never thought you would be reading them. I was hoping (in that tiny place in my heart that can't stop hoping), that you might contact me out of the blue. It's lovely that you did contact me, really, truly, just lovely. What an astonishing surprise and the nicest thing.

I wish it hadn't been in response to my emails though. I wish it had been a spontaneous, heartfelt thing, because you feel something for me.

It feels like you've taken pity on me. If you have, I don't need that. I have wanted your love and I've wanted your forgiveness. I've never wanted your pity. I hope you don't pity me. I've fought hard for us, for what I think is right, and for me - for me to make it through. I have a lot of strength and pride and while I would have given just about anything at times for some tenderness and kindness, I never want to be seen as a lost and weak soul that should be pitied and pandered to.

I don't think that was what you were doing, and I really hope it wasn't.

Even writing this is a reminder that I'm strong. Writing is excellent therapy for me, and I'm very grateful for that.

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