Saturday, 12 November 2011

angry and hurt

Why would you do that? Why would you let me keep writing, thinking it was anonymous, 'speaking' freely because I thought I was safe, and all the time you were reading my messages? Do you never think you have something to apologise for? You should apologise for this. What was your motivation?

I'm hurt and humiliated. The things you read in my messages - I'd have shared any or all of them with you if we were still in a loving relationship. But we're not, so why would I want you to know those things about me, to have more reason to think poorly of me?

How am I supposed to make sense of this? At the end of August you sent me a message saying not to ever contact you again and that as usual I just did whatever I wanted to do. Saying that was mean and untrue but I accept that's how you feel. And then you read a month's worth of my online diary without telling me you had access to it (how could you do that?!), and then suddenly I get a kind and thoughtful happy birthday message from you.

I want to treasure that message. I want to believe it means you have a little bit of good feeling towards me. I want to feel happy about it - and I will, because  my natural instinct is to be grateful. But honestly, knowing that you were reading my messages and didn't have the courtesy to tell me, knowing what prompted you to send my birthday message, it's hard to feel anything other than humiliated.

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