do I just lack the will?

I messaged you today. I spent the morning in tears, in bed, struggling to gain some perspective about all things 'life'. I so very nearly resigned. I dug so deeply, as deeply as I had the strength to dig, to calm my mind and imagine how I might get through another day, week, who knows how long, among the vileness that has become work. Because as much as I want to quit and run, my sense of loyalty and responsiblity won't let me. And I thought to myself ... "If I could just still my mind, find some peace". And then I remembered being able to do that is one of your greatest skills. And then I just wanted to talk to you, listen to you, learn from you, be soothed by you. And so I messaged you to say you're amazing and I miss you. And I couldn't help wondering if messaging you was a good thing (for me, or for you), or a bad thing (for me, or for you), or just a thing that happens because I lack the willpower to stop it.

I love you. I miss you. So very, very much.