Tuesday, 29 March 2011

for the first time ...

... in four months and eight days I do not have a knot in my stomach, I do not have a gaping pitch-black cavern where my heart is, I am not a quivering wreck on the inside, masquerading as a slightly aloof but generally competent and functional woman on the outside, and I do not feel like I want to die. I believe it's absolutely worth celebrating the fact that, today at least, I simply feel numb. Numbness is a relief, a balm, a gift of grace and something that evokes within me the deepest of deep, heartfelt gratitude. It's like a stinging, throbbing, aching, gaping wound has suddenly, astonishingly, had the most glorious salve applied. Maybe, and I'm truly only guessing because I have no frame of reference for understanding where I've been in the past four months or where I might be going to from here, maybe numbness is the first step to somewhere magical.

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