Friday, 6 May 2011

hardly breathing

Today it feels as though someone has reached into my chest, stretched their fingers and wrapped them around my fragile heart, and squeezed with all of their might.

I can hardly believe that this aching just doesn't go away. I can hardly breathe.

Just when I think I'm letting go, getting on with things, fretting less, feeling stronger, I crumble again.

I see you in the couple holding hands the way you used to hold mine. In the supermarket doorway, where you'd grab the grocery bags and insist I wasn't allowed to carry any of them. In the bus, which you hated. In a stranger's eyes, dark and soulful just like yours. I see you everywhere. In everything.

For a day or two my mind is in charge, telling me I should let go, I can let go, I have let go a little bit more and a little bit more.

Then my heart cries out and reminds me I'm kidding myself. I am devastated. I'm completely lost without you.

I love you and I don't think I'll ever, ever be happy again.

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