finally

It's getting a little easier to not contact you. I still end up in tears most days, even if only for a split-second. I could collapse into sobs and curl up on the ground most days, but I can usually divert, distract, disconnect enough to avoid that. Only just, but just enough.

I keep imagining that one day you're going to call me. You say "Hi, it's me". And I can't speak. I'm ecstatic to hear from you. Shocked into silence. Frightened of somehow screwing up and causing you to hang up the phone. Paralysed, to be honest.

But I really hope you do. One day. Soon.

{I need to let go of that hope, too, right?}