I honestly think I'm so worn out from the last year, I just don't feel much anymore. I give up. No more hoping, wondering, wishing. No more fretting over what you think about me, or how I might have hurt you. I want some peace too.
Saturday, 12 November 2011
angry and hurt
Why would you do that? Why would you let me keep writing, thinking it was anonymous, 'speaking' freely because I thought I was safe, and all the time you were reading my messages? Do you never think you have something to apologise for? You should apologise for this. What was your motivation?
I'm hurt and humiliated. The things you read in my messages - I'd have shared any or all of them with you if we were still in a loving relationship. But we're not, so why would I want you to know those things about me, to have more reason to think poorly of me?
How am I supposed to make sense of this? At the end of August you sent me a message saying not to ever contact you again and that as usual I just did whatever I wanted to do. Saying that was mean and untrue but I accept that's how you feel. And then you read a month's worth of my online diary without telling me you had access to it (how could you do that?!), and then suddenly I get a kind and thoughtful happy birthday message from you.
I want to treasure that message. I want to believe it means you have a little bit of good feeling towards me. I want to feel happy about it - and I will, because my natural instinct is to be grateful. But honestly, knowing that you were reading my messages and didn't have the courtesy to tell me, knowing what prompted you to send my birthday message, it's hard to feel anything other than humiliated.
I'm hurt and humiliated. The things you read in my messages - I'd have shared any or all of them with you if we were still in a loving relationship. But we're not, so why would I want you to know those things about me, to have more reason to think poorly of me?
How am I supposed to make sense of this? At the end of August you sent me a message saying not to ever contact you again and that as usual I just did whatever I wanted to do. Saying that was mean and untrue but I accept that's how you feel. And then you read a month's worth of my online diary without telling me you had access to it (how could you do that?!), and then suddenly I get a kind and thoughtful happy birthday message from you.
I want to treasure that message. I want to believe it means you have a little bit of good feeling towards me. I want to feel happy about it - and I will, because my natural instinct is to be grateful. But honestly, knowing that you were reading my messages and didn't have the courtesy to tell me, knowing what prompted you to send my birthday message, it's hard to feel anything other than humiliated.
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
nice, but ...
When I was writing in my emails that it would be wonderful if you happened to contact me on my birthday, I never thought you would be reading them. I was hoping (in that tiny place in my heart that can't stop hoping), that you might contact me out of the blue. It's lovely that you did contact me, really, truly, just lovely. What an astonishing surprise and the nicest thing.
I wish it hadn't been in response to my emails though. I wish it had been a spontaneous, heartfelt thing, because you feel something for me.
It feels like you've taken pity on me. If you have, I don't need that. I have wanted your love and I've wanted your forgiveness. I've never wanted your pity. I hope you don't pity me. I've fought hard for us, for what I think is right, and for me - for me to make it through. I have a lot of strength and pride and while I would have given just about anything at times for some tenderness and kindness, I never want to be seen as a lost and weak soul that should be pitied and pandered to.
I don't think that was what you were doing, and I really hope it wasn't.
Even writing this is a reminder that I'm strong. Writing is excellent therapy for me, and I'm very grateful for that.
I wish it hadn't been in response to my emails though. I wish it had been a spontaneous, heartfelt thing, because you feel something for me.
It feels like you've taken pity on me. If you have, I don't need that. I have wanted your love and I've wanted your forgiveness. I've never wanted your pity. I hope you don't pity me. I've fought hard for us, for what I think is right, and for me - for me to make it through. I have a lot of strength and pride and while I would have given just about anything at times for some tenderness and kindness, I never want to be seen as a lost and weak soul that should be pitied and pandered to.
I don't think that was what you were doing, and I really hope it wasn't.
Even writing this is a reminder that I'm strong. Writing is excellent therapy for me, and I'm very grateful for that.
horribly, horribly embarassed
I'm pretty rattled right now. I've been 'writing to you' at an old email address of yours, which I thought was defunct from when you cancelled your internet. It had the impact of letting me feel like I was talking to you without actually imposing myself - my thoughts and feelings and questions - on you. Except I was, because it turns out you were getting the emails!!!
I can't even work out how you still have the email address. Surely when you cancelled your internet you lost the address? And I can't work out why you'd let me send messages for a whole month - pouring my heart out, saying things I would never say directly to you because you shouldn't be burdened with them - without saying something. You can't have been just deleting them otherwise you wouldn't have responded to one of them. I don't know what your motivation was, but I think maybe you owed it to me to tell me my private thoughts weren't so private.
Anyway, what's done is done. And I'm back here writing in a place that doesn't have quite the same impact on me, but will do. I don't have much to say anymore anyway, it seems. There's only so many times you can go over and over the same old ground. Even I'm getting tired of it.
What an odd two days. *Shrug.
I love you still x
I can't even work out how you still have the email address. Surely when you cancelled your internet you lost the address? And I can't work out why you'd let me send messages for a whole month - pouring my heart out, saying things I would never say directly to you because you shouldn't be burdened with them - without saying something. You can't have been just deleting them otherwise you wouldn't have responded to one of them. I don't know what your motivation was, but I think maybe you owed it to me to tell me my private thoughts weren't so private.
Anyway, what's done is done. And I'm back here writing in a place that doesn't have quite the same impact on me, but will do. I don't have much to say anymore anyway, it seems. There's only so many times you can go over and over the same old ground. Even I'm getting tired of it.
What an odd two days. *Shrug.
I love you still x
Friday, 30 September 2011
Thursday, 1 September 2011
yes, I think I would
Suddenly I understand that the magnitude of the pain that has consumed me for these nine months is proportionate to the magnitude of the joy and love I felt every moment of the almost two years you were in my life. Would I go back in time if I could, and sacrifice that to avoid this, this relentless and devasting hurt.
Yes, I think I would.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)